and i quote...(cather)

"there are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before."

~willa cather

untitled faith

for years i was the girl who wore the cross, carried her bible, sang her praise songs. years. without fail. without question. things are a little different now. so what happened? i still believe in god. i still believe that jesus came to the earth to teach us how to live, how to love, how to die. i believe in some sentimental part of my heart that god loves me. beyond that, i'm not sure where i am. or where god is. after years of fundamentalism, i find myself in some nameless place. a place i can't find my way out of and that others have a hard time finding their way into. i'm stuck between belief and unbelief, wonder and disgust, hope and life-sucking doubt. the humanitarian in me wants to live, in the real sense of the word, the life jesus described: giving our clothes to the poor, feeding the hungry, etc. the selfish part of me wants to write it all off as myth, an opiate to the masses as it's been called often. it would be easier that way. the believer in me wants to touch, hear, taste the god that i know is really out there. the skeptic wants to scoff, and sometimes i do. the intellectual in me wants to discuss the meaning of life and philosophy and theories. the artist-slash-mystic wants to revel in the mysteries that exist in the world. the beauty. the life. the romantic in me wants to know down in my bones that a creator god loves and knows me. so in short, there's a lot to the spiritual aspect of my life right now. it's a journey, to use the cliche, but i really prefer the word process. more and more i'm thinking about that word and how it relates, not only to our the lives of our bodies, hearts, and minds, but also to god.

i hope you who might read this aren't expecting a conclusion. there isn't one as of yet. i don't have the answers to all my questions. i don't always know what's true, what's farce, what's story, and what's real. i think one problem with the modern christianity we have created is that it always has to have an answer. if you don't have the answer, then you don't really have faith. not only that, but you may not be worthy of god's love. but that's not what god or jesus intended, at least in my opinion. what do they intend? i can't really say that either. i may never know. but i do know that at least in part, love, kindness, peace, and compassion are the good things of life. so i'll strive to those ends. if that's all i ever really know, and practice, i think it will be a life well lived.

and i quote...(plath)

"is there no way out of the mind?"

~sylvia plath

losing

henry w. longfellow wrote, "all things must change/ to something new, something strange." it is certainly true that change has been the marker of the past year. maybe the truth is that change marks every year, though we do not really notice it until the sky begins to fall. if nothing else, not the slow tick of the hours or even the season melting into one, becoming a mother is a "sky is falling" kind of experience. new. strange. inescapable. wonderful. terrifying. beautiful. all of those and more words that only begin to scrape the brim of an already full cup. everyday, all you can do is your best, give your all, while fearing that may not be good enough. but it always seems to be. the true challenges of parenthood seem to begin almost immediately. sometimes i find it hard to accept benjamin as he is. i want to "change" him for his benefit. for example, longer naps or more food or whatever it may be. but what i really want is something predictable, something safe and easy. but that's not motherhood. i am not mother to a machine or even a plant or a pet, but to a human being. a childhood should be safe and easy, but for a mother to make it so, is precarious work. to make it so, she has to lose a piece of herself. she has to lose control. to make it easy on her, the baby would have to change, bend, be unnaturally moldable. but that's not what babies are supposed to do, not now anyway. as babies, the mother moves, bends. accepts. loves no matter what. loses, in a sense.

but she gets it all back whenever he smiles. and she realizes it's not losing at all. just a different way to gain everything that is wonderful and beautiful about life.

and i quote...(colette)

here's the first installment of the "and I quote..." series. i call it series because it sounds cool. sometimes, one wants to express oneself, but doesn't have the energy or time to put it one's own words. thus, the "and i quote..." series. 

"what a beautiful life i've had. it's a pity i didn't notice it sooner!"

~sidonie-gabrielle colette.