losing

henry w. longfellow wrote, "all things must change/ to something new, something strange." it is certainly true that change has been the marker of the past year. maybe the truth is that change marks every year, though we do not really notice it until the sky begins to fall. if nothing else, not the slow tick of the hours or even the season melting into one, becoming a mother is a "sky is falling" kind of experience. new. strange. inescapable. wonderful. terrifying. beautiful. all of those and more words that only begin to scrape the brim of an already full cup. everyday, all you can do is your best, give your all, while fearing that may not be good enough. but it always seems to be. the true challenges of parenthood seem to begin almost immediately. sometimes i find it hard to accept benjamin as he is. i want to "change" him for his benefit. for example, longer naps or more food or whatever it may be. but what i really want is something predictable, something safe and easy. but that's not motherhood. i am not mother to a machine or even a plant or a pet, but to a human being. a childhood should be safe and easy, but for a mother to make it so, is precarious work. to make it so, she has to lose a piece of herself. she has to lose control. to make it easy on her, the baby would have to change, bend, be unnaturally moldable. but that's not what babies are supposed to do, not now anyway. as babies, the mother moves, bends. accepts. loves no matter what. loses, in a sense.

but she gets it all back whenever he smiles. and she realizes it's not losing at all. just a different way to gain everything that is wonderful and beautiful about life.