untitled faith

for years i was the girl who wore the cross, carried her bible, sang her praise songs. years. without fail. without question. things are a little different now. so what happened? i still believe in god. i still believe that jesus came to the earth to teach us how to live, how to love, how to die. i believe in some sentimental part of my heart that god loves me. beyond that, i'm not sure where i am. or where god is. after years of fundamentalism, i find myself in some nameless place. a place i can't find my way out of and that others have a hard time finding their way into. i'm stuck between belief and unbelief, wonder and disgust, hope and life-sucking doubt. the humanitarian in me wants to live, in the real sense of the word, the life jesus described: giving our clothes to the poor, feeding the hungry, etc. the selfish part of me wants to write it all off as myth, an opiate to the masses as it's been called often. it would be easier that way. the believer in me wants to touch, hear, taste the god that i know is really out there. the skeptic wants to scoff, and sometimes i do. the intellectual in me wants to discuss the meaning of life and philosophy and theories. the artist-slash-mystic wants to revel in the mysteries that exist in the world. the beauty. the life. the romantic in me wants to know down in my bones that a creator god loves and knows me. so in short, there's a lot to the spiritual aspect of my life right now. it's a journey, to use the cliche, but i really prefer the word process. more and more i'm thinking about that word and how it relates, not only to our the lives of our bodies, hearts, and minds, but also to god.

i hope you who might read this aren't expecting a conclusion. there isn't one as of yet. i don't have the answers to all my questions. i don't always know what's true, what's farce, what's story, and what's real. i think one problem with the modern christianity we have created is that it always has to have an answer. if you don't have the answer, then you don't really have faith. not only that, but you may not be worthy of god's love. but that's not what god or jesus intended, at least in my opinion. what do they intend? i can't really say that either. i may never know. but i do know that at least in part, love, kindness, peace, and compassion are the good things of life. so i'll strive to those ends. if that's all i ever really know, and practice, i think it will be a life well lived.